The Schweain Train

Callum is 9 Months!

2011-06-21T22:10:00.053-05:00

Callum is 9 months old today! Despite my hopes to blog regularly, I haven't written a blog since he was 1 month old! Obviously, SO much has happened since then, way too much for me to write about. What an incredible 9 months though. He has actually been here for as long as I carried him! (These months sure went faster than when I was pregnant! ha!) I've done a lot of reminiscing over the last couple months as I have thought about where we were last year at certain points... remembering in March(10wks) when I had a blood clot that hemorrhaged, in April(16wks) when I began loosing amniotic fluid, the awful weekend in May(20wks) when we found out I was ruptured and had almost no amniotic fluid and were advised to terminate our precious baby because 'he'd never live anyway'. Following that was three weeks on bed rest waiting, hoping, and praying to make it to June 7th(23wks), my admission day to Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis... then, the entire summer and the rest of my pregnancy spent there with more waiting, hoping, and praying, and finally, how much your prayers sustained us and the arms of God held us.

As I meet the year mark of all these points, I feel this twinge... again overcome with relief and thankfulness, yet my heart still remembers well the sadness of being away from Stella and Ryan and the anxiety of what we were facing. Not to mention, how many countless times I thought about and wondered where we would be a year from then?! And now, here we are! Ryan, Stella, me and our beautiful, happy, healthy and HUGE baby boy! Yes, he's huge! He may have had a rough start, but he has certainly caught up. He is meeting all his milestones... well except crawling. We're pretty sure he's just going to go straight to walking. After all, he does have a big sister to chase around!

He is such a charmer and sweet heart. He seems to love everyone, but no one can hold a candle to Mommy. I'm definitely the apple of his eye, and I'm going to remind him of that some day when he's too "old" or too "cool" for cuddles and kisses from me! There are times... about every day, when I'm holding him, and he hangs on so tightly to me with his head on my shoulder, I swear... it's like he knows how much we went through together, and how hard I fought for him. I close my eyes, breathe in his incredible scent, my heart skipping a beat at how powerfully overcome with love for him I am, and I thank the Lord once again for the incredible gift his very life and presence is. Even on the days when I'm exhausted by the craziness of having two kids now (props to you mothers of more than two!!), I remind myself how blessed beyond measure we are.

Not long after Stella was born, I wrote a little song for her, and so of course, I had to have one for Callum too. He smiles EVERY time I sing it to him. Here are the words **his name means dove.

Little angel boy, precious one

Little angel boy, sent from above

Little angel boy, sweet little dove

Callum Ryan Moses, you are loved

Happy 9 months lil guy, we love you!

Callum is 1 month!

2010-10-23T16:50:00.009-05:00

Yesterday, Callum was one month old. These past few weeks being home have really flown by... many days are kind of blurred from lack of sleep. It took a while the first couple of weeks, adjusting to the new normal while recovering from the c-section and 4 months of bed rest, but I feel stronger each day. I have absolutely loved being home again, and Stella continues to tell me, "Mommy, I'm so glad you're home!" Callum has adjusted well too. He is showered with love, kisses and cuddles from his sister... something I'm sure won't last forever, so I'm enjoying it now. He is still sleeping much of the time, and is very pleasant and sweet. He gets a little miffed during diaper changes, when he's hungry of course, and sometimes when he just wants to be held, and I can't blame him. He's starting to be a lot more calm during his baths, and I think he's almost decided he likes them. At his 3 week check up he was up to 6 lbs 11 oz, so I'm guessing he's just above 7 by now.

I still replay last 6 months daily, and have many emotions as I remember... where we started, all that transpired, and where we are now. All that time and all the worry, yet all those prayers and all the hope that continued to grow. I am still overwhelmed with such thankfulness at how things turned out for us. We have been given such an incredible blessing, it's hard for me to express and take in.

Here are a few of my favorite pics taken since we've been home.

Sleeping like a baby...

Stella loves to read to him...

And snuggle with him...

Stella has told me many times, "Mommy, you have two childs now!" Yes, we do, two beautiful, wonderful babies. My heart is so full and our cup is overflowing.

With love,
Kristin

Welcome Callum Ryan Moses Schweain!!!

2010-09-24T23:22:00.010-05:00

The last two days have been an absolute whirlwind! I can hardly believe I'm sitting here writing about the birth of our son. Callum Ryan Moses was born Wednesday, September 22nd at 6:38 pm! He weighed 6.5 lbs and was 20 inches. I'm so excited to write and share the details and great news, BUT the best part of all is that he is perfectly healthy! He came out crying immediately, showing off his strong lungs- the lungs that doctors weren't sure would be formed because of the period of time he went without adequate amniotic fluid.

Wednesday began like any other "normal" hospital day. I began the daily monitoring session which usually only takes about 20-30 minutes. But, that day, after barely 10 minutes, my nurse came back into the room and gave me some juice to drink. She said she thought he must just be a little sleepy, and needed a little boost. He was having some decels or dips in the heart rate that they normally don't see, as he is usually very reactive, passing his "test" right away. I wasn't too worried, but this was definitely new. Over the next hour and a half I began to grow a bit more nervous as she'd come back in and have me change positions, letting me know they just wanted to watch a little longer. After over and hour and a half a resident came in and told me that they would be transferring me to labor and delivery to be monitored for a few more hours, and that they could very well send me back, BUT this could be an indication that it might be "time". And here we thought thought it would still be 5 more days... he has never stopped keeping us guessing! The monitoring in labor and delivery continued to show the dips which led them to check his position and investigate what my cervix was doing. He was head down and my cervix was softening and about 1.5 cm, and they felt I could be in early labor. They told me the decels were likely an indication that he might do better at this point on the "outside", and they wanted to begin induction. So, before I knew it, I was calling Ryan saying, "You definitely need to get here. He's coming today!" They started me on pitocin and "real" contractions started right away, but unfortunately the decels were happening after every contraction and were becoming more concerning as the pitocin was increased and contractions strengthened. They explained them as "late decels" which usually means that the placenta is being stressed, in turn causing stress to him. They were worried about how he'd handle harder labor as we had only just begun. I have since found out that the placenta was really small and in an odd place. One of the doctors told me today that they were really amazed at how he was able to grow and develop so well considering it's size...(on top of everything else, just another detail making his story so amazing.)

As much as I was hoping to avoid a c-section, I knew the doctors truly wanted to help us achieve a VBAC, and I was confident that they weren't advising the c-section casually. Ryan and I had time to adjust and be excited and thankful that we were about to meet our baby. It was a MUCH different experience for us this time. I was actually awake and Ryan was with me. We were able to hear his first cries, (the most beautiful sound), meet him together, and Ryan was able to take pictures and cut the chord.

We have enjoyed every minute with him since, and the high hasn't begun to wear off. Stella is completely in love with her baby brother. She holds him and sings to him, and tells him how much she loves him. Like every parent, I've already spent hours staring at him, taking him in, feeling like my heart could burst from all the love and thankfulness I feel. We just can't express enough how much your prayers have meant to us, how they comforted, strengthened and carried us. What a story we have to tell him! What a testimony his life is! Thank you for sharing this life changing experience with us, and all the fears, concerns, hopes, and joys that were a part of it. Thank you for praying with us and for us, for believing in our sweet Callum and rejoicing in his survival!

About his name:
Callum is a variant of the Latin word for dove, Ryan is of course is in honor of his Daddy, and Moses means "Saved from the Water."

With love,
Kristin, Ryan, Stella and Baby Callum

The best laid plans...

2010-09-17T22:38:00.003-05:00

I'm writing this entry once again back in my room in antepartum. Yep! Today was NOT the day! We knew going in this morning that there were no guarantees about what the amnio would show, but still hoped that the lungs would be mature. We made the trek to labor and deliver and got all squared away. I was dressed in my every so flattering hospital gown and ready for the amniocentesis. The procedure really wasn't that bad, and my doctor's description was pretty much spot on with what to expect. The 3 failed iv attempts earlier were actually more painful. It was a really strange experience, considering the needle punctures your skin AND then your uterus... but the anticipation and wondering was actually worse than the procedure. Not much more than an hour later the doctor was back in and let us know that the lungs did not show enough maturity. The cutoff number is 55 and his was 54.3, so really close, just not close enough. They're confident that by 39 weeks OR if I go into labor before on my own, that he will be ready. I do not doubt that from the beginning God has worked by preserving this little life and his habitat, and has once again to us, made that clear. It's sort of a relief, because the balancing, weighing and speculating have only gotten us so far. He is still being sheltered and protective and where he needs to be. Granted, I felt more than overwhelmed once again, going back to my hospital room knowing it could be ten more days... more time away from Ryan and Stella. At this point, we probably won't be home till October... crazy. BUT, I'm really thankful for the results today that told us, "Mom, Dad, I just need a little more time." So, little one, you just stay comfy and keep growing, and we'll be patient until the time is right and you are ready.

With love,
Kristin

Maybe baby......

2010-09-16T21:31:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to give a quick update. I'm feeling much better, and we are going to try again tomorrow! We'll start the evaluation process early in the morning, accessing baby's position, then proceed with the amnio for lung maturity, and that will determine whether we can deliver. So, that's about all we know right now. On Monday, I was reminded once again, that things can always change last minute, and as it's always been, there's only so much we can control. We'll update as soon as we know how things look. Thank you SO much for your continued prayers, thoughts and encouragement! Can't wait to share the good news with you very soon!!!

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 99.............. No baby today!

2010-09-13T18:04:00.011-05:00

I was hoping to be writing this with wonderful news about our baby being born, BUT it just didn't happen today. We were all ready, when last night I began noticing that I was coming down with something... the same thing Stella had, that my mom ended up with over the weekend? uh..oh... I had a recognizable and annoying prickly feeling in my nose and a scratchy feeling in my throat. Sure enough, by morning, I was in full blown cold mode! I expressed concern to the nurses, and at that point was only worried about passing something on to the baby. "Here baby, have a nice respiratory infection to welcome you into the world!" They took me down to labor and delivery to begin assessing things. My cervix was completely unchanged and unfavorable, and he was back to the transverse position. At that point we began discussing the c-section and had decided to move ahead until I said, "One thing I'm concerned about though...", and proceeded to tell them about the cold that was getting worse by the hour. That changed everything. My doctor said that there's no way we could do surgery today knowing that I'm developing some type of upper respiratory infection because of the danger it could pose with anesthesia if for some reason I needed to be put to sleep. Also, anytime you combine a URI with surgery the chances of developing pneumonia are increased. We'll just have to wait until it clears up. SO, that was a little disappointing. We did not do the amniocentesis, as they only want to do that test if we are moving straight to delivery subsequently. I had experienced so many emotions already this morning, including those thoughts of "I'm not ready for this today!" to "Okay, I AM ready for this today!" I do feel some relief though because as the day has worn on, I'm definitely feeling worse. It would have been very hard to deliver and deal with being sick on top of everything- hard to care for some one else when you're struggling yourself.

I'll keep you posted over the next few days and will be talking to the doctors more. Hopefully this will pass about as quickly as it came on. Until then, it's back to my old digs in the antepartum unit. I said goodbye once again to Ryan and Stella, feeling that familiar sadness. At least when the time really comes, we've pretty much packed everything up! Tomorrow I celebrate day 100 here at the hospital! How bout those apples!

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 95 - Almost 37 Weeks!!

2010-09-09T15:40:00.023-05:00

I can hardly believe that I am almost to 37 weeks! This week has been one of building excitement, anxiety, and anticipation as we are nearing Monday, the day that COULD end up being the big day! I find myself riding waves of emotion as I realize our baby is so close to entering this world, and drawing his first breath, bringing such an incredible miracle into our lives. I know you're all waiting as excitedly as we are to see how everything turns out. I don't have too many finite details for you, but I can tell you the "menu" of scenarios that we are preparing for on Monday.

They will begin by checking the baby's position. I've mentioned that he has consistently shown a fondness for the transverse lie which isn't that uncommon, but not favorable for a traditional birth. Not to mention, such position adds to the risk of chord compression or prolapse. Basically, it makes the doctors nervous, which in turn, makes us nervous. Yesterday we had a quick ultrasound to check his position, and once again, he was in the transverse lie. Actually, he was sort of between that and a breech lie... sigh... he still has a few days to move yet, so I'm hoping he will "head south!"

If he is still indeed not in the head down position on Monday, they will proceed with the amniocentesis and check for lung maturity. If they find lung maturity, then we will have the c-section shortly after. That scenario would no doubt make for the shortest route to having him in our arms, but I still have my reservations about the c-section (longer recovery and well... being cut open in general), which is partly due to my previous experience. But, I also understand the value of a more "controlled" environment and at this point, solely want the best possible outcome for him.

If the amnio shows the lungs are still immature, that will override the chord risks, and we would continue on until 39 weeks, save for spontaneous labor before then, of course. That means another week or two in the hospital, so that will take another emotional re-adjustment. If he IS found to be head down they will then check my cervix to see if it's "changing" and becoming favorable. If so, we would then have the amnio. Again we'd be checking for lung maturity.

Induction would be the next step if lungs are mature, another scenario I'm a bit nervous about. Let's face it, inductions don't always work and many times are a road to c-section regardless, and I would normally never volunteer for induction. Because of my prior c-section with Stella, and my early hemorrhage and membrane rupture this time around, they are more limited in the induction process. There will be progression expectations within a shorter window, all in an effort to avoid any problems of safety for both of us. Many of you know that I was determined with Stella to avoid induction, and went 11 days past my due date, allowing for the most natural progression. However, nothing about this pregnancy has been "normal" or predictable, so that certainly influences my openness to a less traditional approach. And, finally, if my cervix is found to be unfavorable or unchanged, then induction would be even less likely to work. So, then comes the question... do we continue to wait, or do we proceed with the c-section? I've been told though by most of the doctors that they will not be comfortable with letting me go beyond 39 weeks.

You can see that these many possibilities are keeping me on edge. All that said, what an incredible feat that we are HERE and NOW, and that these options are before us at 37 weeks- a goal that medically speaking, NO ONE thought we could achieve!!! So, if I sound a little intimidated, I am, BUT I am thrilled, elated, and rejoicing for such an extensive "menu" of options! Besides, I'm still holding out for spontaneous labor by Monday morning if you'd like to add that to your prayers!! But, considering how well things have gone thus far... I probably shouldn't hold my breath. :-)

So, until Monday, the anticipation will continue growing, and unfortunately, I'll keep biting my nails...

{Please join with us in prayers for safety through the delivery}

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

~ Proverbs 18:10

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

~ Psalm 4:8

{Because hope is what we've held onto since our journey began, I pray yours is overflowing}

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 79 - 34 1/2 weeks!

2010-08-24T20:35:00.007-05:00

Psalm 27:14 ~ Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Waiting is a skill I've honed these last three months, and having the perspective of waiting on the Lord has definitely helped me in times that have seemed confusing, overwhelming and endless. I feel like we're really turned a corner this week now that we've made it to 34 weeks! That was the long awaited goal for so long, what we were shooting for, hoping and praying for. And, here we are! The "plan" has been adapted to accommodate the unexpected, as the doctors are now thrilled to have a new goal of 37 weeks. So, I thought I'd lay out for you the new plan as well as the wonderful results of our ultrasound today. I will officially turn 37 weeks on Sunday, September 12th. Early that week, they will do another scan to make sure baby is still head down, and if so, will proceed with an amniocentesis to check lung maturity and look for infection in the amniotic fluid. As long as the lungs show no signs of immaturity, we will have the green light for delivery. Because my delivery with Stella ended up in a c-section, the type of delivery will be dependent upon many things, the first being the baby's position. If he's head down then they will start the induction process and do everything to assist me in a safe vaginal delivery. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be thrilled about induction, (I happily avoided it last time and Stella was 11 days late), but considering the situation, and that I trust my doctors, I feel good about it. I'm growing more nervous daily, but am beyond excited to finally meet our sweet boy, and welcome him into the world, thanking God for His first breath and every one that follows. Your prayers that the induction is successful, and we are able to have a safe delivery regardless are SO appreciated.

Our ultrasound today showed that he weighs 5 lbs 10 oz! My fluid level is 21.5, holding fast at a great level! He was in a better position today to be viewed, and we went away with some great pictures. I saw him open his eyes slightly and even what looked like a little smile! We were also told that he has lots of hair... how they can tell, I have no idea, but another cute detail to think about.

As we're nearing the end of this part of the journey, I want to again thank you so much for your love and support, and your prayers that continue to envelope us. My appreciation and reverence for life, faith, miracles and hope have deepened and grown more steadfast than ever.

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 60 - 31 1/2 weeks!!

2010-08-05T21:25:00.014-05:00

Sorry I've kept you hanging for a while. Up until this week, there really wasn't much to report. I figured the details of hospital life, as exciting as it sounds, might not make for a very interesting read. Last week, I seemed to be feeling a bit more down, but thankfully after a great weekend with family and turning 31 weeks, I'm in much better spirits. Yesterday was another growth scan which brought some interesting results. Baby appears to weigh 4 lbs 6 oz, which shows growth in the 71st percentile. My fluid level was 26... Ready for a twist? That's actually 1 point above the "normal" level. There is actually a diagnosis for TOO much fluid called polyhydramnios. We don't seem to be in that territory right now, but considering at my lowest point it was 1.3 cm, this is quite a turn of events!! One cause of excess fluid can be gestational diabetes. So, considering the level is just over normal, and that the baby measured really big at the last scan (over 95th percentile) and finally, my initial blood glucose level was 137 (close to the cut off of 140) during my first glucose screening at 26 wks, they decided to re-screen me for gestational diabetes. I failed the initial one hour test yesterday, so I had to do the three hour screening this morning. Thankfully, after another round of liquid sugar and having blood drawn four times during a 3 hour period, all the readings were normal, so they are no longer concerned about GD. Needless to say, it's probably not a bad idea for me to be a little more conscientious of my intake of sweets and carbs. So, that will cut out some things I've enjoyed, but will be better for us. They will continue to check my fluid level weekly to see that it isn't increasing too much as well as check for the baby's position. Thus far, since having such a swimming pool for him to now enjoy, his position hasn't been consistent. He's been all over the place, making up for lost time I can only assume. We are hopeful that he will get cosy in the vertex or head down position which would be favorable for a normal delivery and help potentially avoid another c-section. There will be other variables affecting the type of delivery, but we'll know more as the time draws closer.

So, we're still waiting, BUT getting more excited as we know we're getting so much closer. I've seen a number of doctors since being here, so they will begin discussions next week about "the plan." Originally, the goal was to get to 34 wks and then deliver, as that is their standard procedure in cases of pre-mature rupture. However, our situation has been quite an anomaly, it sounds like they are considering letting me go beyond 34 weeks since I have more than enough fluid. I'm really interested to hear how that discussion goes... I would love to make it a bit further, because that will give baby even more time to grow. It's hard for me right now to comprehend weeks past 34 as I've spent a long time focusing on the goal of reaching 34 weeks on August 22nd, and the idea of being here longer is more than daunting. We'll take one thing at a time though, as we've always done, continuing to be so thankful to STILL be here. A lot can happen over the next 3 weeks, so I don't want to get ahead of things.

That's pretty much the scoop right now. My mom is bringing Stella up tomorrow for the weekend, and Ryan will be here Saturday evening after work. It's always such a relief when they get here and we experience another weeks turn over together.

I imagine for most of you, summer is coming to a close. It's crazy to me that I've missed an entire season during all this!! When I first came into the hospital, I noticed how the sun was setting later and later every night and now, I'm noticing just the opposite. I've been here for two months! I've been sad to miss out on all of the things I love about summer... sun, flowers, the sound of lawn mowers, lightening bugs, swimming, and most of all, enjoying it with Stella... and yet, all things to look forward, appreciate, and savor next year with her AND our little miracle.

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 39 - 28 1/2 Weeks!!

2010-07-15T20:27:00.009-05:00

I'll start with Psalm 28:6-9...

Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. (NIV)

As I read this passage, I am certain the Lord has heard our cries and for whatever reason in His sovereignty, something beyond my understanding, is answering in ways we only hoped for. My heart is truly "leaping for joy" and I am definitely thinking I will have many new songs to sing when this is all said and done. I am nearing my 29th week on Sunday, and yesterday was another ultrasound/growth scan. You may remember that the last one brought incredible news of an amniotic fluid level considered to be normal and a great weight measurement for the baby. Well, as if it couldn't get any better, here are the results from yesterday's growth scan. According to measurements, baby weighs 3 lbs 8 oz, which puts him above the 95th percentile AND means he is measuring as if I am 30 weeks along rather than 28. Not too shabby! The ultrasound tech also commented that she would never know by the looks of things that I had ruptured. She said, "Look at him, he's textbook. What a beautiful baby." She then announced that my fluid level was 20, and the flashback was immediate. I remembered many weeks ago, when I was still in the hospital in Cape Girardeau. I asked my doctor there if it was possible to re-accumulate fluid. His answer was, "Well, it's possible you'll regain some, but you'll never be a 20." Hmm, never say never is all I can say. (A lesson I, along with Fivel the mouse learned in 1986 from Henri the french pigeon in the move "An America Tail".) Sorry, I digressed a bit there...

Many of you are probably wondering if this means that the "leak" has re-sealed or healed. That's been my question too, and the doctors all remain very skeptical of that. Dr. Nelson, who has been my favorite thus far, discussed that theory with my mom and I yesterday. As a man of science, he explained at length the findings of all the European studies on this subject. Apparently they are much more aggressive with their research and testing on this than here in the states. They do more amniocentesis testing and "puncturing", and the findings all reveal that the membranes never actually re-seal. There's that word again... never. He likened it to a balloon loosing air and suspects that the leak is up high and the amniotic sack layers have overlapped, thus holding the fluid in. So, if that's the case, even the "blue die test" that I hear about as a possibility to have done at 34 weeks, which is an attempt to prove if re-sealing has occurred by injecting blue die into the uterus to see if it comes out, would still be ineffective in proving a TRUE re-seal. He therefore will continue to consider me "ruptured" and will remain guarded, not wanting to take anything for granted considering things have gone SO well. I respect the science and at the same time, I believe in the possibility that it has "sealed" by God's hand (if that's what he so intended) OR perhaps His answer to our prayers WAS that the layers overlap... or really, who knows??

Regardless, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is the incredible is happening and we can only marvel and be grateful. Being completely transparent with you though, I will admit that as I think about all we have overcome, and as I study the looks and responses of amazement from the doctors and nurses, this thought is always trailing behind, "Why is this happening for us and not every women and family who face this?" ... I just don't know. I don't think God values us or our baby any more than ANY other precious child, just like I believe the sacrifice of His own Son's life in the place of all humanity is NO LESS real or substantial for ANYONE else. I, we, are certainly NO more deserving of a miracle. I think about this often as I pray for the woman down the hall from me who is waiting just as I am, and in a situation very similar, EXCEPT that she doesn't have any fluid AND they KNOW that her baby will enter this world with complications. God loves her, her baby, her husband and daughter, just as much as Ryan, Stella, and I, and our baby. This isn't over yet, and though I have faith that our baby WILL be fine, that simply is not and has not once been in our hands. I can only pray that I'm able to use this experience and it's outcome in an empathetic and compassionate way for others who are facing this, and as an incredible testimony. But my struggle will join the ranks of so many others as to why His "answer" is different from one person to the next.

As I think back to Psalm 28, and say to you that God has indeed "heard our cries", it is not something I say flippantly. He isn't just hearing OUR cries, but those of all the others who have lifted their voices, shed their tears, cried out in pain, sorrow and distress... just as we did in those moments not that long ago when we were asked to terminate our baby's life because he'd "never" have a chance, and because preserving his life could be at the expense of my own.

No doubt the Lord has been our "strength and shield", the "shepherd" who is leading us through dangerous terrain, whose rod and staff are of comfort. At the end of the day, science and medicine weigh in heavily, and I am incredibly thankful and confident in what they offer, but I know there's more here...

With love,
Kristin

Almost 28 Weeks!

2010-07-09T14:51:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to give a quick update, since it's been almost two weeks since my last one. Thankfully, there hasn't been much to report on which is great! Things are still going really well and no changes, so I couldn't be happier. The doctors continue to tell me to "stay boring", and I'm happy to oblige. Thanks to instant play on Netflix, which has allowed me to immerse myself in movies and series that I've never seen, I'd say the days are passing faster which is very welcomed. The last couple weeks have also been filled with visits from family and friends which was wonderful. I had almost a full week with Stella, and it was awesome to have so much needed time with her. I'm coming up on 28 weeks on Sunday! I probably won't write again until after next Wednesday, which is when I'll have the next ultrasound/growth scan. I'll let you know how that goes and how much bigger he is! Have a wonderful weekend!

With Love,
Kristin

26 Weeks!

2010-06-29T14:27:00.007-05:00

Well, the good news keeps coming. Sunday I was officially 26 weeks, which is fabulous! Monday was a big day, full of tests for the baby and I. I'm happy to report that we BOTH passed them all!! They are going to be monitoring him more closely now, so they started with a baseline biophysical profile checking several things like breathing, movement, and fluid. {Which is now to 14 by the way!} He has to meet certain requirements within a designated amount of time in relation to his gestational age. He had up to 90 minutes... he passed in about 5 minutes, so that was wonderful! The next test for him was being on the fetal heart monitor for 20 minutes, and once again, he passed in that first time block and therefore was able to come off of the monitor. They call it a non stress test and will do that one every day, and apart from that, as long as he continues to pass it daily, they won't need to do any further monitoring. Not bad for a lil' one who has faced many challenges with " the cards" stacked against him already in life! The test I passed was my glucose tolerance test... guess I can keep having those desserts! haha I have to say, I really look forward to Thursday lunches... hamburger, fries, and a lemon bar! Spoken like a true pregnant girl huh? Actually, I guess that's a fairly normal meal. My affinity for that good ole' American standard bursting with saturated fat has never wavered. I'll let you know if I start indulging stranger variations like ice cream and pickles or chocolate covered cheese balls... any takers?

Today, Stella is coming for another visit, and will be here until Sunday! I'm so excited to have extra time with her. It's been extremely painful to be away from her and from Ryan, but I'm really thankful for the time we get as well as how incredible our family has been through all this. My mom is staying in St. Louis full time with me and has done so much to make me feel at home in my hospital room and to keep my spirits lifted. Meanwhile, Grammy Jean and my Dad have been keeping Stella while Ryan works. I'd say she's had a great summer so far, lots of play time and cousin time, which is her favorite, she just LOVES her cousins!

No doubt, your prayers and messages are continuing to strengthen us! I think often of Psalm 139:13-14 which has always been a favorite. "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful; I know it full well."

With love,
Kristin

Hospital, day 18 - 25 1/2 weeks!!

2010-06-24T16:59:00.012-05:00

Sorry I've kept you waiting longer for this post. I was waiting for something interesting or exciting, and I sure do have some incredible news!!! Yesterday morning I went for another ultrasound/growth scan... now, I was NOT prepared for the outcome. Brace yourself... my fluid level was 12.9!!!!!!! AND, the tech said that is a NORMAL level! What?!?!? Really?!?!? What?!?!? I've referenced in the past the "deepest vertical pocket" measurement, and my mom asked her about that and her response was, "We don't measure the deepest vertical pocket when the fluid is adequate." I'm simply amazed. I have definitely noticed changes over the last couple weeks in the hospital in that my belly, and lets face it, the rest of me, has really grown. This must be due in part at least to more fluid accumulating and his growth... it could also be from the desserts that come with every meal(I keep "forgetting" to tell them not to include them) When Ryan visited he said, "You look a lot more pregnant now!" They estimate baby's weight at 2 lbs and in the 70th percentile. The doctors were very pleased, not jumping for joy by any means because they still consider me "ruptured" and at risk. They still talk about how we won't know any damage to his lungs that the low fluid may have caused until birth, however, I just don't think the ultrasound could have brought better news! To hear the words normal... that's not an adjective that has been used in any description of my pregnancy since this all began. I'm so excited to share this with you. I believe our prayers are being heard and answered! We'll keep taking things slowly and cautiously, but will continue believing that the impossible is possible. Thank you for continuing to be on this journey with us!

With love,
Kristin

A peak at his sweet face... hard see it through the chord.

Just a lil' reminder.

Stella's visit last weekend.

Hospital Day 8 - 24 + Weeks

2010-06-14T19:47:00.010-05:00

Another goal met! Yesterday, Sunday, I was 24 weeks, which is considered a sort of turning point. Medically speaking, our baby has hit viability! I knew I'd become fonder of that term eventually. I was so excited for yesterday, mainly because Ryan and Stella were coming to visit and a busy day was planned. They arrived at 9am, and I couldn't have been happier to see them! Stella immediately crawled in bed with me to snuggle, wrapped her little arms around me and said, "mmmmm, I love you Mommy." Ryan's birthday was Friday, and I had gotten him cards from both of us, so we sort of celebrated his birthday... not the best party, but better than nothing. The nurses started my first steroid injection, and I received the 24 hr follow up one this morning. They also started round of IV antibiotics or the "cocktail" that based on studies is believed to promote latency in this situation... meaning helping my body hang in there carrying baby longer. They hope the steroids will help his lung development. Some doctors give another round between 28-30 weeks, but I don't know if they will do that in my situation because the baby has already undergone an amount of stress existing with such low fluid for so long. Guess, we'll see when I get there! :-) Ryan and I met with one of the Neonatologists and she spent a good hour with us, further explaining things and getting to know us. That afternoon, we went on a tour of the NICU. Wow, so many mixed feelings from that. I had such varying emotions as we entered the areas with all the babies. They currently have 72 babies!!!! It is obviously a state of the art facility and seeing everything they have to offer was comforting... knowing we have access to the best. But, bottom line, I hate that we're here, yet, I love that we're here. Classic glass half empty vs half full. The charge nurse, Martha, was great, she just celebrated her 36th year on staff. She showed us a tiny baby girl who was just born a couple days ago at 26 weeks and weighed 1 lb 15 oz... Of course, I've never seen such a sight. I couldn't see much of her body, because of the way they had her wrapped and covered, but I could see part of her belly with the iv lines and her TINY legs and feet... smaller than the smallest baby doll Stella has. Looked like she was fairing well, but on a lot of support, which is to be expected at that gestation and size.

Ryan and Stella had to leave around 5pm to get back on the road, so it was a short trip, and it was terrible saying goodbye. My dad will be bringing her back up to St. Louis with him on Thursday, and she will stay until Sunday. Ryan will join us Saturday after work, so we'll have more time than this past weekend. All in all, my first week of hospitalization is completed, so one down, ten to go if I make it to 34 weeks!!! How's that for a countdown!

A friend's pastor visited the other day and shared one of my favorite passages from the Bible, an excerpt from Paul's letter to the Ephesians, that continues to remind me how the love of Christ enfolds us and the arms of God surround us. "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:14-20

With Love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 2 - 23+ Weeks

2010-06-08T10:12:00.024-05:00

Well, for now, I have taken up residence at Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis. I felt great relief that my admission day finally arrived, and we have made it to another milestone. We checked in yesterday morning around 11am, and it was a good, but taxing day with evaluations, consultations, exams, and more consultations. It's obvious to me that I am in great and capable hands here. I saw a wonderful team of doctors, who covered as much as possible. I know I've explained this, but the fact that I have made it 7+ weeks with ruptured membranes is amazing, but a double edged sword. It's incredibly encouraging that I could continue to carry, yet a matter of great concern of the dangers it poses to me and the baby should a problem arise. The doctors are guarded as they repeatedly describe the detriment to baby when there is little to no amniotic fluid. I won't list all the horrible complications they have described beyond saying that a 23 week old baby has a 1-6 chance of surviving... and in my case, being ruptured it's much worse. The primary concern being pulminary hypoplasia which is incomplete development of the lungs. I'm not trying to dwell on the negative, just continuing to be aware of what's "probable" so that you know how to pray specifically for us and our baby. I did however feel a bit more encouraged today after speaking with the Neonatologist and another main attending that I hadn't met yet. He said "You've already beaten the 'odds' by making it this far." My blood pressure ran low all night, but has come up today. Seems its likely a result of inactivity and bed rest.

The "plan" or next goal right now is to make it to 24 weeks, which will be on Sunday. At that point I will receive a steroid injection to aid his lung development and a round of IV and oral antibiotics. We had to weigh the timing of the steroid injections. Generally, they like to do the injection within 7-10days of delivery for the most benefit, however, in this precarious situation, not knowing when that will be, they feel there is very strong evidence that this will be a great benefit to him, even if I'm able to carry much longer. The 23rd week is still a very "gray period" of pre-viability where they don't have much to go on that says it would be significant in aiding or increasing his life expectancy or survival if I were to deliver this week. Here's where our faith comes in once again... faith, that we've made the best and right decision to wait until Sunday for the steroids. Hope, that remaining fluid, no matter how small is ENOUGH for his precious lung development, and enough to prevent chord prolapse, chord compression, or limb deformity. Amazing the role even ONE more week plays in this. For now, they will continue to monitor me and baby's heart tones, and I will continue to pray, hope and try and remain as positive as I can... catching up on some sleep would be nice too!

So, all in all, it's been a good couple of days all things considered. My parents and Stella helped me get all settled in. We're making the room as "homey" as possible. My mom will be staying in town most of the time to be available and keep me company. Ryan will continue to work and keep things as normal as possible for Stella... normal that is, given the situation. He'll bring her up on Saturdays after work and stay till Sunday evening. We'll work out other arrangements for visits with her during the week as well, so that I can be with her more than just on the weekends. I just don't think I could handle only seeing her on weekends.

What I'll miss about bedrest at home.... There is a song that I have begun listening to and thinking about repeatedly. It's called "You Are My Strength." I remember when I picked this song out to have my worship team learn, and how at the time, though I loved it, I had no idea the significance, meaning, and impact it would have for me. Here a link where you can hear it... hope it will be uplifting to you as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGMOKBki56k
You are my strength, strength like no other
Strength like no other reaches to me
You are my hope, hope like no other
Hope like no other, reaches to me
In the fullness of Your grace In the power of Your Name,
You lift me up... You lift me up
Unfailing love, stronger than mountains
Deeper than oceans, reaches to me
You're love oh, Lord, reaches to the heavens
You're faithfulness reaches to the skies
By Reuben Morgan © 2007 Reuben Morgan/Hillsong Publishing)Adm in the US & Canada by Integrity’s Hosanna! Music)ASCAP

With love,
Kristin

Appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine

2010-06-03T11:53:00.028-05:00

Yesterday was a big day, and left us with more decisions to make, so I didn't have much remaining energy last night to update. We had our ultrasound and consultation at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis. I was beyond relieved when yesterday morning finally came, especially after the incredibly long and stressful night I had with about two hours of sleep, due to my anxiety over those last 24 hours standing between us and the appointment.

Now for some results... My cumulative amniotic fluid level was 7.34, which was an increase from 4.5 when I was in the hospital. Considering I continue to loose fluid, I am encouraged that more is still being produced and accumulating. The normal range is 9-22, 9 of course being very "low normal", so 7.34 gives me hope that we just might be able to inch our way into the territory of "normal" even if it is lower than desired. The tech noticed the baby's abdomen rising and falling and she explained that the baby is practicing breathing. Now, it doesn't mean that the lungs are forming, but she said it's a good sign! Another pleasant surprise came when she told me she estimated him to weigh 1 lb 5 oz!! I was so happy to hear that! Two weeks ago in the hospital they said he was about 13 oz, so to hear he has gained that much to me is just awesome. She made some other remarks like, "that's a pretty spine", and another measurement or shape in the spine that indicates spinal bifida which looked good, and she said, "now, that's what we like to see."... more sighs and smiles from Ryan and I.

Next was our appointment with Dr. Rampesad, who Ryan and I really liked! She was very patient and attentive to my endless questions, spending over an hour with us. She had lots of medical history questions for us, and then gave me all the time I needed to explain what we've been through. Most of the info she offered were things we've already been told. She reinforced concern over infection, especially with someone like me who had a rupture so early, and explained again why they have to deliver when there is even evidence of infection because it can be deadly to baby and to me. She also spent more time with us explaining concerns for placenta abruption, which is where the placenta suddenly tears away from the uterine wall, causing extreme bleeding, and happens more often in cases of premature rupture. That would be another emergency c-section situation, where they would do everything to stabilize us both. So, you can see why they choose to hospitalize women in cases where either happens, and why every week further is so vital for baby. On June 13th, I will be 24wks, which is what they consider viable, and his chances of survival are 50%. She has given us the choice of going into the hospital at 23 or 24 weeks. In the research I've done, SOME women opt to stay home for longer and mange there, but because I've been ruptured since 16wks and we are 2 hours from the hospital, we've decided that I will go in at 23wks. So, as of now, Monday is the day. The best case scenario is that I'm able to carry until 34 wks, at which point the risks of the baby remaining in the womb outweigh the benefits, and he will be delivered.

I have such mixed feelings as this separation from Stella and Ryan will be so incredibly difficult, but I believe I will feel safer knowing that I am in the best place to receive immediate care if an emergency should arise. Though I want and pray to carry for as long as possible and have worried all along about so much, I am thinking now of the emotional and physical toll a prolonged hospital stay could take. But, we feel immeasurably blessed that we are surrounded and supported by such incredible family and loved ones, who are willing to drop anything and give so much to help us. I've had this verse in my mind for several days, "Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." ~ Isaiah 40:31 Now, I don't see any running or much walking in my near future, but I think you can catch the meaning. :-) Waiting is wearisome, tiring, and I don't think I even know emotionally the extent of what I'm facing, but I do trust that as I wait, I will gain new strength to press on and stay strong.

With love,
Kristin

22 weeks today

2010-05-30T22:31:00.023-05:00

Today I am 22 weeks. I can hardly believe it's been over 14 days since our experience at the hospital, when we thought we were loosing our baby. Even though making it to viability(24 wks), let alone any further, seems impossible and unreachable, I have to rejoice and be thankful that I have had two more weeks for our baby to continue to develop, grow, and remain safe inside me. AND... we are closer than ever to our appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine in St. Louis on Wednesday, June 2nd.

I've had many ups and downs over the past couple weeks during times of fluid loss, lack of sleep, and moments feeling overcome with fear in general, but today was a really good day. Being Sunday, the Lord's day, probably didn't hurt my spirits. I was able to "watch church" over skype, and even though it's not quite the same, I was still able to worship, hear God's word, and be reminded again that we are continuing to be thought of and covered in prayer. I have thought many times since I've been home at how inconceivable it is what we are facing, what we already faced that day at the hospital, when the doctor thought it best to terminate the precious life of our baby... stop his little heart that was still beating. I think often about the guilt, fear, and despair I felt overwhelmed by, being asked to take his life in my own hands, and the paralyzing worry about infection... how it could take my own life, leaving my beautiful and sweet Stella without her Mommy, Ryan without his wife and partner, my parents without their only child. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still think about that daily, so I continue to hope and pray for complete protection from infection.

There's no question we are still treading in very deep waters now and are still far from shore. But, your faith and prayers help keep us afloat, and the presence of God that I have felt so often with me, continues to become more real and steadfast. I woke up early this morning with these words from scripture repeating over and over in my mind. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18 and "Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;" - Isaiah 53:4 Though I have felt alone, I know I am not. Though I feel helpless, I know I am held. And most of all, we know we are loved, we are known, and so is our baby.

May you know this week also that you are loved, known, and held.
Kristin

New Blog and Baby Update

2010-05-27T10:47:00.007-05:00

No time like being on bed rest to finally work on the family blog that I set up over a year and a half ago! I also set up a caring bridge website I will update, but I'll be able to post more family and Stella related things here. Now, it's nothing fancy, but I do have something in the works to make it spiffier. Good thing I have friends who are so web design savvy. One MORE thing for you to follow... Well, I know that I need to embrace the new world of blogging, if anything, it's a great personal documentation of life. And, since I'm so terrible with scrapbooks, baby books, etc, maybe this will stick! Those of you who know me well are saying, "Ha, we'll see!" Well, thanks for your confidence in me! ;-)

I am 21 1/2 weeks today. Bed rest is... well... frustrating, but as I keep saying, I'm so thankful for every new day. I have continued to loose fluid, and the concern over it plagued me last night in the middle of the night. But, it seems like in the times that I feel most fearful, I will receive a message or word of encouragement that truly helps. This morning I came across the story of a mother in almost my exact predicament! She had the same early on subchorionic hemorrhage that I had and extremely low fluid levels. She was put on bed rest like me at 20 wks, admitted to the hospital at 24 wks(our next goal), and delivered her baby girl at 30 wks. Her baby is still in the hospital and now just over a month old. ***If you'd like to read about her story and keep her baby in your prayers as well, this is her site:

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/NeVeahLea

Our Caring Bridge site where you can follow just baby updates is:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyboyschweain

Just type babyboyschweain in the box "Visit a Website"

As they said in the movie "The Road" Ryan and I watched the other night...
Carrying the fire,
Kristin