22 weeks today

Today I am 22 weeks. I can hardly believe it's been over 14 days since our experience at the hospital, when we thought we were loosing our baby. Even though making it to viability(24 wks), let alone any further, seems impossible and unreachable, I have to rejoice and be thankful that I have had two more weeks for our baby to continue to develop, grow, and remain safe inside me. AND... we are closer than ever to our appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine in St. Louis on Wednesday, June 2nd.

I've had many ups and downs over the past couple weeks during times of fluid loss, lack of sleep, and moments feeling overcome with fear in general, but today was a really good day. Being Sunday, the Lord's day, probably didn't hurt my spirits. I was able to "watch church" over skype, and even though it's not quite the same, I was still able to worship, hear God's word, and be reminded again that we are continuing to be thought of and covered in prayer. I have thought many times since I've been home at how inconceivable it is what we are facing, what we already faced that day at the hospital, when the doctor thought it best to terminate the precious life of our baby... stop his little heart that was still beating. I think often about the guilt, fear, and despair I felt overwhelmed by, being asked to take his life in my own hands, and the paralyzing worry about infection... how it could take my own life, leaving my beautiful and sweet Stella without her Mommy, Ryan without his wife and partner, my parents without their only child. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still think about that daily, so I continue to hope and pray for complete protection from infection.

There's no question we are still treading in very deep waters now and are still far from shore. But, your faith and prayers help keep us afloat, and the presence of God that I have felt so often with me, continues to become more real and steadfast. I woke up early this morning with these words from scripture repeating over and over in my mind. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18 and "Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;" - Isaiah 53:4 Though I have felt alone, I know I am not. Though I feel helpless, I know I am held. And most of all, we know we are loved, we are known, and so is our baby.

May you know this week also that you are loved, known, and held.
Kristin