Hospital Day 79 - 34 1/2 weeks!

Psalm 27:14 ~ Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Waiting is a skill I've honed these last three months, and having the perspective of waiting on the Lord has definitely helped me in times that have seemed confusing, overwhelming and endless. I feel like we're really turned a corner this week now that we've made it to 34 weeks! That was the long awaited goal for so long, what we were shooting for, hoping and praying for. And, here we are! The "plan" has been adapted to accommodate the unexpected, as the doctors are now thrilled to have a new goal of 37 weeks. So, I thought I'd lay out for you the new plan as well as the wonderful results of our ultrasound today. I will officially turn 37 weeks on Sunday, September 12th. Early that week, they will do another scan to make sure baby is still head down, and if so, will proceed with an amniocentesis to check lung maturity and look for infection in the amniotic fluid. As long as the lungs show no signs of immaturity, we will have the green light for delivery. Because my delivery with Stella ended up in a c-section, the type of delivery will be dependent upon many things, the first being the baby's position. If he's head down then they will start the induction process and do everything to assist me in a safe vaginal delivery. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be thrilled about induction, (I happily avoided it last time and Stella was 11 days late), but considering the situation, and that I trust my doctors, I feel good about it. I'm growing more nervous daily, but am beyond excited to finally meet our sweet boy, and welcome him into the world, thanking God for His first breath and every one that follows. Your prayers that the induction is successful, and we are able to have a safe delivery regardless are SO appreciated.

Our ultrasound today showed that he weighs 5 lbs 10 oz! My fluid level is 21.5, holding fast at a great level! He was in a better position today to be viewed, and we went away with some great pictures. I saw him open his eyes slightly and even what looked like a little smile! We were also told that he has lots of hair... how they can tell, I have no idea, but another cute detail to think about.

As we're nearing the end of this part of the journey, I want to again thank you so much for your love and support, and your prayers that continue to envelope us. My appreciation and reverence for life, faith, miracles and hope have deepened and grown more steadfast than ever.

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 60 - 31 1/2 weeks!!

Sorry I've kept you hanging for a while. Up until this week, there really wasn't much to report. I figured the details of hospital life, as exciting as it sounds, might not make for a very interesting read. Last week, I seemed to be feeling a bit more down, but thankfully after a great weekend with family and turning 31 weeks, I'm in much better spirits. Yesterday was another growth scan which brought some interesting results. Baby appears to weigh 4 lbs 6 oz, which shows growth in the 71st percentile. My fluid level was 26... Ready for a twist? That's actually 1 point above the "normal" level. There is actually a diagnosis for TOO much fluid called polyhydramnios. We don't seem to be in that territory right now, but considering at my lowest point it was 1.3 cm, this is quite a turn of events!! One cause of excess fluid can be gestational diabetes. So, considering the level is just over normal, and that the baby measured really big at the last scan (over 95th percentile) and finally, my initial blood glucose level was 137 (close to the cut off of 140) during my first glucose screening at 26 wks, they decided to re-screen me for gestational diabetes. I failed the initial one hour test yesterday, so I had to do the three hour screening this morning. Thankfully, after another round of liquid sugar and having blood drawn four times during a 3 hour period, all the readings were normal, so they are no longer concerned about GD. Needless to say, it's probably not a bad idea for me to be a little more conscientious of my intake of sweets and carbs. So, that will cut out some things I've enjoyed, but will be better for us. They will continue to check my fluid level weekly to see that it isn't increasing too much as well as check for the baby's position. Thus far, since having such a swimming pool for him to now enjoy, his position hasn't been consistent. He's been all over the place, making up for lost time I can only assume. We are hopeful that he will get cosy in the vertex or head down position which would be favorable for a normal delivery and help potentially avoid another c-section. There will be other variables affecting the type of delivery, but we'll know more as the time draws closer.

So, we're still waiting, BUT getting more excited as we know we're getting so much closer. I've seen a number of doctors since being here, so they will begin discussions next week about "the plan." Originally, the goal was to get to 34 wks and then deliver, as that is their standard procedure in cases of pre-mature rupture. However, our situation has been quite an anomaly, it sounds like they are considering letting me go beyond 34 weeks since I have more than enough fluid. I'm really interested to hear how that discussion goes... I would love to make it a bit further, because that will give baby even more time to grow. It's hard for me right now to comprehend weeks past 34 as I've spent a long time focusing on the goal of reaching 34 weeks on August 22nd, and the idea of being here longer is more than daunting. We'll take one thing at a time though, as we've always done, continuing to be so thankful to STILL be here. A lot can happen over the next 3 weeks, so I don't want to get ahead of things.

That's pretty much the scoop right now. My mom is bringing Stella up tomorrow for the weekend, and Ryan will be here Saturday evening after work. It's always such a relief when they get here and we experience another weeks turn over together.

I imagine for most of you, summer is coming to a close. It's crazy to me that I've missed an entire season during all this!! When I first came into the hospital, I noticed how the sun was setting later and later every night and now, I'm noticing just the opposite. I've been here for two months! I've been sad to miss out on all of the things I love about summer... sun, flowers, the sound of lawn mowers, lightening bugs, swimming, and most of all, enjoying it with Stella... and yet, all things to look forward, appreciate, and savor next year with her AND our little miracle.

With love,
Kristin

Hospital Day 39 - 28 1/2 Weeks!!

I'll start with Psalm 28:6-9...

Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. (NIV)

As I read this passage, I am certain the Lord has heard our cries and for whatever reason in His sovereignty, something beyond my understanding, is answering in ways we only hoped for. My heart is truly "leaping for joy" and I am definitely thinking I will have many new songs to sing when this is all said and done. I am nearing my 29th week on Sunday, and yesterday was another ultrasound/growth scan. You may remember that the last one brought incredible news of an amniotic fluid level considered to be normal and a great weight measurement for the baby. Well, as if it couldn't get any better, here are the results from yesterday's growth scan. According to measurements, baby weighs 3 lbs 8 oz, which puts him above the 95th percentile AND means he is measuring as if I am 30 weeks along rather than 28. Not too shabby! The ultrasound tech also commented that she would never know by the looks of things that I had ruptured. She said, "Look at him, he's textbook. What a beautiful baby." She then announced that my fluid level was 20, and the flashback was immediate. I remembered many weeks ago, when I was still in the hospital in Cape Girardeau. I asked my doctor there if it was possible to re-accumulate fluid. His answer was, "Well, it's possible you'll regain some, but you'll never be a 20." Hmm, never say never is all I can say. (A lesson I, along with Fivel the mouse learned in 1986 from Henri the french pigeon in the move "An America Tail".) Sorry, I digressed a bit there...

Many of you are probably wondering if this means that the "leak" has re-sealed or healed. That's been my question too, and the doctors all remain very skeptical of that. Dr. Nelson, who has been my favorite thus far, discussed that theory with my mom and I yesterday. As a man of science, he explained at length the findings of all the European studies on this subject. Apparently they are much more aggressive with their research and testing on this than here in the states. They do more amniocentesis testing and "puncturing", and the findings all reveal that the membranes never actually re-seal. There's that word again... never. He likened it to a balloon loosing air and suspects that the leak is up high and the amniotic sack layers have overlapped, thus holding the fluid in. So, if that's the case, even the "blue die test" that I hear about as a possibility to have done at 34 weeks, which is an attempt to prove if re-sealing has occurred by injecting blue die into the uterus to see if it comes out, would still be ineffective in proving a TRUE re-seal. He therefore will continue to consider me "ruptured" and will remain guarded, not wanting to take anything for granted considering things have gone SO well. I respect the science and at the same time, I believe in the possibility that it has "sealed" by God's hand (if that's what he so intended) OR perhaps His answer to our prayers WAS that the layers overlap... or really, who knows??

Regardless, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is the incredible is happening and we can only marvel and be grateful. Being completely transparent with you though, I will admit that as I think about all we have overcome, and as I study the looks and responses of amazement from the doctors and nurses, this thought is always trailing behind, "Why is this happening for us and not every women and family who face this?" ... I just don't know. I don't think God values us or our baby any more than ANY other precious child, just like I believe the sacrifice of His own Son's life in the place of all humanity is NO LESS real or substantial for ANYONE else. I, we, are certainly NO more deserving of a miracle. I think about this often as I pray for the woman down the hall from me who is waiting just as I am, and in a situation very similar, EXCEPT that she doesn't have any fluid AND they KNOW that her baby will enter this world with complications. God loves her, her baby, her husband and daughter, just as much as Ryan, Stella, and I, and our baby. This isn't over yet, and though I have faith that our baby WILL be fine, that simply is not and has not once been in our hands. I can only pray that I'm able to use this experience and it's outcome in an empathetic and compassionate way for others who are facing this, and as an incredible testimony. But my struggle will join the ranks of so many others as to why His "answer" is different from one person to the next.

As I think back to Psalm 28, and say to you that God has indeed "heard our cries", it is not something I say flippantly. He isn't just hearing OUR cries, but those of all the others who have lifted their voices, shed their tears, cried out in pain, sorrow and distress... just as we did in those moments not that long ago when we were asked to terminate our baby's life because he'd "never" have a chance, and because preserving his life could be at the expense of my own.

No doubt the Lord has been our "strength and shield", the "shepherd" who is leading us through dangerous terrain, whose rod and staff are of comfort. At the end of the day, science and medicine weigh in heavily, and I am incredibly thankful and confident in what they offer, but I know there's more here...

With love,
Kristin

Almost 28 Weeks!

Just wanted to give a quick update, since it's been almost two weeks since my last one. Thankfully, there hasn't been much to report on which is great! Things are still going really well and no changes, so I couldn't be happier. The doctors continue to tell me to "stay boring", and I'm happy to oblige. Thanks to instant play on Netflix, which has allowed me to immerse myself in movies and series that I've never seen, I'd say the days are passing faster which is very welcomed. The last couple weeks have also been filled with visits from family and friends which was wonderful. I had almost a full week with Stella, and it was awesome to have so much needed time with her. I'm coming up on 28 weeks on Sunday! I probably won't write again until after next Wednesday, which is when I'll have the next ultrasound/growth scan. I'll let you know how that goes and how much bigger he is! Have a wonderful weekend!

With Love,
Kristin

26 Weeks!

Well, the good news keeps coming. Sunday I was officially 26 weeks, which is fabulous! Monday was a big day, full of tests for the baby and I. I'm happy to report that we BOTH passed them all!! They are going to be monitoring him more closely now, so they started with a baseline biophysical profile checking several things like breathing, movement, and fluid. {Which is now to 14 by the way!} He has to meet certain requirements within a designated amount of time in relation to his gestational age. He had up to 90 minutes... he passed in about 5 minutes, so that was wonderful! The next test for him was being on the fetal heart monitor for 20 minutes, and once again, he passed in that first time block and therefore was able to come off of the monitor. They call it a non stress test and will do that one every day, and apart from that, as long as he continues to pass it daily, they won't need to do any further monitoring. Not bad for a lil' one who has faced many challenges with " the cards" stacked against him already in life! The test I passed was my glucose tolerance test... guess I can keep having those desserts! haha I have to say, I really look forward to Thursday lunches... hamburger, fries, and a lemon bar! Spoken like a true pregnant girl huh? Actually, I guess that's a fairly normal meal. My affinity for that good ole' American standard bursting with saturated fat has never wavered. I'll let you know if I start indulging stranger variations like ice cream and pickles or chocolate covered cheese balls... any takers?

Today, Stella is coming for another visit, and will be here until Sunday! I'm so excited to have extra time with her. It's been extremely painful to be away from her and from Ryan, but I'm really thankful for the time we get as well as how incredible our family has been through all this. My mom is staying in St. Louis full time with me and has done so much to make me feel at home in my hospital room and to keep my spirits lifted. Meanwhile, Grammy Jean and my Dad have been keeping Stella while Ryan works. I'd say she's had a great summer so far, lots of play time and cousin time, which is her favorite, she just LOVES her cousins!

No doubt, your prayers and messages are continuing to strengthen us! I think often of Psalm 139:13-14 which has always been a favorite. "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful; I know it full well."

With love,
Kristin

Hospital, day 18 - 25 1/2 weeks!!

Sorry I've kept you waiting longer for this post. I was waiting for something interesting or exciting, and I sure do have some incredible news!!! Yesterday morning I went for another ultrasound/growth scan... now, I was NOT prepared for the outcome. Brace yourself... my fluid level was 12.9!!!!!!! AND, the tech said that is a NORMAL level! What?!?!? Really?!?!? What?!?!? I've referenced in the past the "deepest vertical pocket" measurement, and my mom asked her about that and her response was, "We don't measure the deepest vertical pocket when the fluid is adequate." I'm simply amazed. I have definitely noticed changes over the last couple weeks in the hospital in that my belly, and lets face it, the rest of me, has really grown. This must be due in part at least to more fluid accumulating and his growth... it could also be from the desserts that come with every meal(I keep "forgetting" to tell them not to include them) When Ryan visited he said, "You look a lot more pregnant now!" They estimate baby's weight at 2 lbs and in the 70th percentile. The doctors were very pleased, not jumping for joy by any means because they still consider me "ruptured" and at risk. They still talk about how we won't know any damage to his lungs that the low fluid may have caused until birth, however, I just don't think the ultrasound could have brought better news! To hear the words normal... that's not an adjective that has been used in any description of my pregnancy since this all began. I'm so excited to share this with you. I believe our prayers are being heard and answered! We'll keep taking things slowly and cautiously, but will continue believing that the impossible is possible. Thank you for continuing to be on this journey with us!

With love,
Kristin

A peak at his sweet face... hard see it through the chord.

Just a lil' reminder.

Stella's visit last weekend.

Hospital Day 8 - 24 + Weeks

Another goal met! Yesterday, Sunday, I was 24 weeks, which is considered a sort of turning point. Medically speaking, our baby has hit viability! I knew I'd become fonder of that term eventually. I was so excited for yesterday, mainly because Ryan and Stella were coming to visit and a busy day was planned. They arrived at 9am, and I couldn't have been happier to see them! Stella immediately crawled in bed with me to snuggle, wrapped her little arms around me and said, "mmmmm, I love you Mommy." Ryan's birthday was Friday, and I had gotten him cards from both of us, so we sort of celebrated his birthday... not the best party, but better than nothing. The nurses started my first steroid injection, and I received the 24 hr follow up one this morning. They also started round of IV antibiotics or the "cocktail" that based on studies is believed to promote latency in this situation... meaning helping my body hang in there carrying baby longer. They hope the steroids will help his lung development. Some doctors give another round between 28-30 weeks, but I don't know if they will do that in my situation because the baby has already undergone an amount of stress existing with such low fluid for so long. Guess, we'll see when I get there! :-) Ryan and I met with one of the Neonatologists and she spent a good hour with us, further explaining things and getting to know us. That afternoon, we went on a tour of the NICU. Wow, so many mixed feelings from that. I had such varying emotions as we entered the areas with all the babies. They currently have 72 babies!!!! It is obviously a state of the art facility and seeing everything they have to offer was comforting... knowing we have access to the best. But, bottom line, I hate that we're here, yet, I love that we're here. Classic glass half empty vs half full. The charge nurse, Martha, was great, she just celebrated her 36th year on staff. She showed us a tiny baby girl who was just born a couple days ago at 26 weeks and weighed 1 lb 15 oz... Of course, I've never seen such a sight. I couldn't see much of her body, because of the way they had her wrapped and covered, but I could see part of her belly with the iv lines and her TINY legs and feet... smaller than the smallest baby doll Stella has. Looked like she was fairing well, but on a lot of support, which is to be expected at that gestation and size.

Ryan and Stella had to leave around 5pm to get back on the road, so it was a short trip, and it was terrible saying goodbye. My dad will be bringing her back up to St. Louis with him on Thursday, and she will stay until Sunday. Ryan will join us Saturday after work, so we'll have more time than this past weekend. All in all, my first week of hospitalization is completed, so one down, ten to go if I make it to 34 weeks!!! How's that for a countdown!

A friend's pastor visited the other day and shared one of my favorite passages from the Bible, an excerpt from Paul's letter to the Ephesians, that continues to remind me how the love of Christ enfolds us and the arms of God surround us. "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:14-20

With Love,
Kristin